Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize