I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
