Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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