After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
nutella sex= disaster
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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