I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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