i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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