Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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