I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
