You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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