i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize