I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
