it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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