Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
