shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
