Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
