I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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