My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
