My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
