I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type