It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
At least life still wants to fuck me.