You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.