White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer