my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
