I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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