Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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