I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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