I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
