I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
