Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
