i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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