I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
