guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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