Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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