Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
