Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She even gives head with a lisp.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
