I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
