My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
