we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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