i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
