saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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