my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
