I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
