i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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