Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
