some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
