Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
