So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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