I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
