I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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