did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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