she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
