when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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