Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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