Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
