I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
