The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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