i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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