were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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