You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
