I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
