your thong is hanging out like whoa
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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