someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
