Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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