girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
